April 1, 2011

Boyer recognized for global award

Note: This article is satirical in nature and was published for April Fools' Day.

International judges confirmed last week what all U of C students have known for years: John Boyer, in addition to being Dean of the College, is Dean of Moustaches.

Boyer came in fourth place in the “academic” category at the World Beard and Moustache Championships (WBMC) last Thursday in Oslo, Norway.

His competitors in the category were either “standing scholars at universities or displayed facial hair archetypal of said institutions,” according to the WBMC.

Boyer, a longtime member of the Chicago chapter of the WBMC, was shocked when he found out about the award. It was his first ever.

“I keep dragging my wife to these competitions to keep myself up to date with the latest moustache trends, but I never thought mine would be recognized as one,” Boyer said.

Considered a “Hungarian-style” moustache, Boyer’s facial hair was popular over the past hundred years—seen on such figures as Theodore Roosevelt and Captain Kangaroo—but has recently phased out of popular culture.

First place went to Princeton economist Paul Krugman, who has won the award three times consecutively. All other candidates who were in the top 10 live or work in Europe.

Boyer says he has kept the same moustache style since he was a teenager, and he considers it a part of who he is. Students say the award will only add to his reputation on campus.

“I don’t really know what Boyer does academically or as an administrator. I mainly think of him as the tall guy with a moustache who rides his bike everywhere,” second-year David Wintrope said.

When asked if he was happy with his reputation among students, Boyer was largely accepting.

“History is my occupation; it’s what puts bread on the table,” said Boyer. “But moustache growing is my vocation–my life.”