April 1, 2011

Kevin Robinson: man with no mission

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Note: This article is satirical in nature and was published for April Fools' Day.

Kevin Robinson does not make eye contact with anyone. He wakes up close to 10 a.m. every morning, 15 minutes after his alarm sounds, and skips shaving.

To keep his thin frame in check, Robinson said he goes to Ratner Athletic Center “whenever I give up on life.” His apathy towards sports peaked at an early age—Robinson has always suffered from inverted feet.

“I was pigeon-toed—I still am—I never played sports because I wasn’t good at them,” he said. “My parents knew I was going to be a big homo so they didn’t pressure me.”

According to Robinson, most people assume that since he is, in fact, a “big homo,” he is a champion for gay rights. He says this is a stereotype he wishes to stray away from.

“I don’t care [about marriage equality] because I don’t want to get married,” he said. “I hate people who get married in their 20s and have 8 kids and don’t care about them.”

He is however, enthusiastic about his own daily accomplishments, a view he says he shares with all U of C students: “I’m passionate about being right and making everyone feel bad about being wrong, especially when they think they’re right.”

This summer, Robinson will return to his career at a grocery store in Washington D.C., where he says he has made great strides.

“I really enjoy memorizing the PLU codes for all the vegetables that people were buying,” he bragged. “Even though I didn’t know what it all meant because I don’t ever eat vegetables.”

In addition to keeping a strict exercise regime, Robinson maintains a nutritious diet of macaroni and cheese, ice cream, and hot dogs. Recently he has branched out.

“For dinner recently I’ve been trying Martha Stewart recipes—they’re pretty good,” Robinson said. “But I usually don’t have any of the ingredients so I just make it up.”

But Robinson considers himself an expert on ice cream. “You know how pregnant women eat ice cream and say they’re eating for two? I kind of feel like that, but there’s only one of me.”