Dear kid who said "Hey" to my friends and me outside the frat party: Sorry I didn't say "Hey" back. Put your pants on next time.
Dear Core profs: Less assigned books, more assigned Jerry Bruckheimer films.
To the first-years: Look older.
Dear Z&H Market: Calling it a "sammie" won't make it hipper or tastier, but it will make me walk next door to the Med to buy my overpriced lunchtime sandwich.
To my professor: Thanks for letting the class know there's one chapter of reading, not four, the night before it's due. I did it all.
To "club girl": When are we going to da club??
Dear cashiers at CVS on 53rd Street: Forming only one line at the cash registers is way better. Stop fighting it and let it happen.
AMC's Sunday night line-up may be ruining my life, but at least I'm not giving advice on uchicagofml.com.
—Submit your helpful hint in the comments box below and we'll print it in the next issue of the Maroon.