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April 19, 2011

SG election 2011: Moose Party

After 17 years of disappointing results, the Moose Party is hoping to grab SG by the horns.

The slate, composed of first-year Matthew Luchins, and third-years Robertson Dorsett and Joseph Ebb, crafted their platform during a 30-minute brainstorming session in Bartlett Dining Hall. The three Delta Upsilon (DU) brothers, who share a love for the Red Sox, are running on a platform of turning the University into a more “bro” school.

“Our motto is ‘sun’s out, guns out; sun’s down, guns still out,’” said Dorsett, the slate’s candidate for vice-president of administration. Dorsett added that if elected, the slate’s primary goal would be to get impeached; something they say is unlikely to be accomplished because it would take too much effort.

The three candidates believe they have unique experience that can better SG.

“I’m extraordinarily unqualified for my position, but Matt would be qualified to interact with the student body because he has a girlfriend,” said Ebb, the slate’s candidate for president. Dorsett said that he was qualified to take on the Administration because he had a major in kicking ass and taking names.

All Moose Party members agreed that Ebb was “completely and totally unqualified.”

The party’s campaign has been full of highs and lows. During the SG debate, for example, Dorsett said that he and Luchins bonded when he assisted Luchins in removing his boxing gloves so that he could go to the bathroom. Dorsett also said that the most difficult part of the campaign has been vetting Luchins, and keeping the first-year under control.

The slate acknowledged the work of their DU brother, fourth-year and outgoing SG president, Greg Nance.

“I have a lot of respect for Greg Nance,” Ebb said. “Greg likes liaisons so much that we’re going to create a liaison-to-Greg-Nance position,” he added.

While 17 defeats in a row might discourage some, the slate said that they are more confident than ever that they will win.

“We’re 102-percent confident that we’re going to win,” Ebb said, adding that the slate was working on a way to allow deceased alumni to vote. “We’re going to get 172 percent of the student body to vote for us.”

Five Proposals:

1. Panda Bears: Have giant pandas in the quads for tourists to pet. Will make up for the government sending Tai Shan and Mei Lan back to China.

2. Saferide: Modify the shuttles so they can fit through drive-thrus.

3. Casino: Have the University delegated as an American Indian reservation and construct a large casino nearby.

4. Dining: Have ARAMARK CEO eat exclusively at Bartlett every meal of every day if dining contract is renewed.

5. Bro-zone: Institute a state school study abroad program and give out lax pinnies.

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