EDITORIALS

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February 11, 2013

“Won’t you be mine? Oh...that’s cool.”

A short, not-so-sweet list of things for single students to do on Valentine’s Day.

It’s almost Valentine’s Day. You go to UChicago. Chances are you might be single for this very special holiday—but that doesn’t mean you have to miss out on the fun. We’ve come up with some activities for you to enjoy while the couples continue to delude themselves:

1. Go to your professor or T.A.’s office hours and pretend that you’re on a date.

2. Check out the new Akira on 53rd. It’s just as lonely and empty as you are.

3. Set up an elaborate, romantic, candlelit dinner for two and eat it yourself, alternating place settings and one-upping yourself with tasteful, flirtatious compliments.

4. Purchase a Snuggie. Wearing one is a perfectly serviceable substitute for being hugged.

5. Go to the B-level of the Reg, move a couple of bookshelves real close to one another, and stand in the midst of their papery embrace. It’s almost the same if you close your eyes.

6. Sign up for a psych study where they put you in an MRI. It’s almost like lying in bed with someone’s arms wrapped around you—if that someone beeps frequently and is made of several thousand pounds of steel.

7. The palmier cookies sold by Bonjour Bakery and by the nuns by the Hyde Park Produce registers are heart-shaped. Think of that as you break them in half to enjoy the sound of splintering pastry.

8. Watch When Harry Met Sally. The movie’s main characters meet as fellow newly-graduated Maroons, making descriptions of this 1989 classic the only place you can find “University of Chicago,” “romantic,” and “comedy” in the same sentence.

9. Enjoy some alone time. Rinse and repeat.

10. Consider celebrating other things that happened on February 14. Arizona was admitted to the Union! The League of Women Voters was founded here in Chicago! Demand that CVS and Walgreens carry cards marking these equally-deserving occurrences.

11. Rumor has it that if you kiss someone on the bridge over Botany Pond, you will be wedded in holy matrimony. A less-known rumor is that if you go to Botany Pond, alone, on the evening of Valentine’s Day, you will probably catch pneumonia. No lover will be waiting for you. Please, don’t go to Botany Pond.

12. Wake up at 2 p.m., remain in bed with a jar of Nutella and Netflix, and stay up as late as you want because Friday is the much better COLLEGE BREAK DAY, YOU GUYS!

13. Write an op-ed submission for Viewpoints. Please.

14. Just in case this isn’t a one-time thing, practice saying, “Table for one, please,” in the mirror.

15. Harper Theater just opened. Go there, watch a movie, and count the couples in the theater so you know exactly how many people are painfully aware that you have no one.

16. Fold this copy of the Maroon into a fun hat!

17. Blare your most embarrassing guilty-pleasure music and have a solo dance party in your bedroom. Bonus points if you don’t end up in tears this time.

18. Eat your problems at Harold’s. We hear they’ll throw in a free plastic bag if you start crying mid-order.

19. Find a lonely ball at Ratner. Make him your Wilson.

20. Hand out Valentines in the Harper reading room after midnight. Sure, you could use a pick-me-up, but so could someone else.

21. Do your homework passionately on top of a sturdy table.

22. Buy yourself and a friend a box of chocolates and go to town on it. Once the chocolate’s gone, you guys will still have each other. To go to town on.

23. Go to Kimbark Liquors: We know a guy named Jack Daniels who won’t tell you you’re too controlling.

24. While you’re at Kimbark, get one of those plastic-wrapped, single-serve glasses of wine, since you don’t have anyone to share with. Actually, now that we think of it, get an entire bottle…since you don’t have anyone to share with.

25. Have a potluck dinner at home with single friends.

26. You don’t actually want children. You want a kitten.

The Editorial Board consists of the Editors-in-Chief and the Viewpoints Editors.

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