EDITORIALS

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June 4, 2013

In case you missed it

The Editorial Board reflects on the notable news stories of the past year.

Wow. What a year it’s been. Several big stories have consumed campus over these past three quarters. Before you start your summer, we thought we’d remind you of the year’s most memorable moments—with some overlooked details.

1. Bartlett failed a city health inspection after mouse droppings were found in food preparation areas. Rumors that the droppings were planted by students in a ploy for extra Maroon Dollars remain unconfirmed.

2. Three people were caught on “a restricted area” of the roof of Pierce early Sunday morning and the UCPD referred the case. To whom? Spider-Man?

3. Prolific namesake Arley D. Cathey (Ph.B. ’50) met with students in his eponymous house fall quarter. His pocket label maker was confiscated upon arrival.

4. The Institute of Politics (IOP) completed its first full academic year of programming. Incidents of students looking sweaty and awkward in suits rose 200 percent.

5. The Committee on Dissent and Protest held an open meeting and four out of its six members decided not to show. In protest?

6. Stony Island continued its run as UChicago’s best kept secret for Maroons looking for a fun destination off the mainland.

7. The University brought back the mysterious position of Dean of Students in the University to assist Karen Warren Coleman, who is Vice President for Campus Life and Student Services. It’s a wonder how administrators keep all these titles straight without a full-time Associate Vice President for Nominal Allocation and Liaison for Student Titular Comprehension and Dean of Dean Administration in the College.

8. Soledad O’Brien.

9. IOP Director David Axelrod (A.B. ’76) shaved his mustache. He and Dean Boyer are no longer on speaking terms.

10. A sinkhole on University Avenue has been expanding over the past several weeks. The Editorial Board lauds this long overdue response to persistent student demand for an abyss in which to hurl defunct syllabi and hated textbooks.

11. CAPS was renamed Career Advancement. Administrators are in talks to institute a new Career Search and Rescue program for students who had to be left behind on the steeper job treks.

12. Politically Incorrect Maroon Confessions exposed students’ complete ignorance of what “politically incorrect” means.

13. The University eliminated P.E. and swim requirements for graduation. In response to the news, a gaggle of fourth-years reportedly got very excited, but failed in several attempts to jump up out of their chairs.

14. Nelly headlined Summer Breeze.

15. In a series of unrelated incidents, several Northwestern students awoke from feverish nightmares in which Nelly headlined Dillo Day.

16. The University Web site won a Webby award. The Chicago Career Connection Web site was not nominated because it did not load in time.

17. The Reg extended its weekend hours. There is now one more place where you can be carded for your UCID at 11 on a Saturday night.

The Editorial Board consists of the Editors-in-Chief and the Viewpoints Editors.

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