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September 22, 2013

O-Issue 2013: A Concise UChicago Dictionary

Admin n. 1. Bureaucracy that runs the University. 2. The building next to Cobb where administrative offices are and big decisions are made.

Aramark n. Company that fills student stomachs and makes obscene profit margins.

B.A. n. 1. A thesis for your major, typically written during fourth year. 2. Actually written in two weeks during spring quarter. See also: Fourth-year.

B-level n. 1. The actual basement of the Reg. 2. The best place to go if you want to forget what sunlight looks like, or finish a Hum paper.

Bar Night n. A pay-per-drink frat party held in the basement of Alpha Delt every Wednesday night. Can be used in conjunction with Shake Day to acquire a gnarly stomachache.

Bart Mart  n. Overpriced Aramark-run convenience store located in Bartlett. The pluses: Stays open until 3 a.m., and you can buy Ben & Jerry’s ice cream with Maroon Dollars. Alias: Maroon Market.

B-J n. 1. Burton-Judson Courts, a dorm containing the original Hogwarts Great Hall. 2. Not what you were thinking, perv.

Bursar n. Your least favorite administrative office.

C-Shop n. The Einstein Bros. Bagel shop on the first floor of the Reynolds Club. See Shake Day.

Civ n. Core sequence known for being terribly boring on campus and extremely awesome abroad.

Cobb n. 1. The University’s oldest building and largest cluster of classrooms. Located on the west side of the quads and frequented by first-years, smokers, and bitter artists. 2. Student-run coffee shop in the basement of said building known for its dirt-cheap java.

Cobbroaches n. Hipsters who gather outside Cobb to create a tangible smokescreen from Camel Lights and discuss how cool they are.

Co-Op n. 1. Be prepared to spend at least 12 hours of your four years here waiting in line for Hum and Sosc books. Recently moved above ground. Tips for tots: Buy a membership; it will be well worth it in the end. Alias: Seminary Co-Op Bookstore.

Core n. Classes you must take, so stop whining and get it over with. This is what you came here for, right? Alias: Common Core.

Crerar n. The 24-hour science library where the med and wannabe-med students study. More sterile than an 80-year-old man with a vasectomy. Don’t expect to do so much as drop a pin without getting death stares from fellow students. Don’t even think about wearing flip-flops.

CTA n. Where you exchange a bit more than $2 for an hour long ride to a destination 20 minutes away. Get the Ventra card or going downtown will be hell. Alias: Chicago Transit Authority.

Doc n. The student film society that shows good movies for only $5. The drunken heckling usually begins while the poor volunteer they force up front before every movie is still rattling off the list of coming attractions. Guaranteed sound or visual errors or your money back.

Dorm n. Where you live. Unfortunately, also where your roommate lives.

Econ n. UChicago’s most popular concentration, as measured by percentage of pretentious sellouts.

Epistemology n. Overuse this word if you want to be a That Kid. For everyone else, avoid people who overuse this word.

Ex-Libris n. Coffee shop on the first floor of the Reg. Meh.

Fifth-Year n. Who wouldn’t want a victory lap around the place where fun comes to die? Didn’t we warn you about stepping on that seal?

Financial Aid Office n. College is expensive. These people could help, were they so inclined.

Fire Escape n. 1. Useful in event of fire. 2. Student film society.

First-Year n. The period during which you whine about your dorm, are expected to take Core classes, and hook up with the kid living down the hall.

Fourth-Year n. The period during which you whine about your B.A., actually take Core classes, and avoid eye contact with said kid from first year.

Gargoyles n. Carved figures reminiscent of UChicago students during finals week.

Hallowed Grounds n. Superior student-run coffee shop on the second floor of the Reynolds Club. Known for its comfy chairs and as a hangout for local pool sharks. Alias for the cool kids: Uncle Joe’s.

Harold’s n. Harold’s Chicken Shack in Kimbark Plaza, where the kitchen consists of five deep-fat fryers and a sink. The soggy piece of Wonder Bread is key for absorbing grease, but who knows what the shot of coleslaw is for. Bulletproof glass protects the kitchen from sketchy customers.

Harper n. 1. A courtyard useful for eating in warm weather. 2. Convenience store on East 57th Street with frequent two-for-one deals on cigarettes. 3. First president of the University. 4. What some students and professors still fondly call the Arley D. Cathey Learning Center.

Henry Crown n. A dilapidated warehouse with a handful of weight lifting and exercise equipment. The Valhalla for varsity athletes.

House n. 1. The University’s way of fostering a sense of community. 2. Where you will meet most of the people you actively avoid for the next four years.

Housecest n. Realize that at least two people in your house are going to spend the rest of their lives together. Fear for the future of the planet. On the off chance that things don’t work out, expect everyone in the dorm to know within a half hour.

Hum n. First-year humanities sequence. Pretentious people (see That Kid) make themselves known in their Hum sections.

Hutch n. 1. Location of many O-Week and RSO events throughout the year (read: free food). 2. Home to the worst Subway franchise in America.

Hutchins, Robert Maynard n. Former president of the University who is largely responsible for making the Core what it is today. Also, got rid of the football team, took UChicago out of the Big Ten, and cemented Chicago’s reputation as the place where fun comes to die.

Indeed adv. Word of choice for That Kids. Usage: “Indeed, Karl Marx is an utter buffoon.”

I.T. n. The department that keeps your e-mail clicking and picking, unless the server crashes during finals week. Also responsible for implementing such “improvements” in your life as myUChicago and Chalk. Alias: I.T. Services.

Jimmy’s n. The best-known and most frequented student bar in Hyde Park. Alias: Woodlawn Tap.

Kimbark n. 1. A street. 2. A shopping center. 3. The University’s official liquor store. Will accept a crudely laminated fake ID with your picture drawn in crayon.

Labbie n. Lab School student. Known for crossing East 59th Street in massive swarms in their younger years and trying to get in to frat parties as they mature.

MAB n. Organizes Summer Breeze concert, among other things. Alias: Major Activities Board.

Maclab n. Underground computer lab in the Reg. Where comp sci majors go if they want to get a breath of fresh air.

Major n. Plebian replacement for concentrations.

Mansueto n. 1. Billionaire owner of Morningstar investment company. 2. A robot-controlled library where Megatron is actually being stored. 3. The best building to read and tan simultaneously.

Maroon n. 1. The University’s only school color. 2. Any member of a varsity sports team. 3. A newspaper you should write for.

Maroon Dollars n. Funny money redeemable at Aramark establishments. Paying this way gives you a 10 percent discount at Hutch, which transforms the food from obscenely overpriced to very overpriced.

Med n. 1. Medici on East 57th Street. One of the only Hyde Park restaurants where you can take a date or your parents. 2. Beloved campus hangout. 3. Source of cheap coffee and excellent baked goods.

Metra n. Commuter train that takes you downtown, or occasionally to Indiana or Wisconsin if you don’t watch out. Features conductors in old-timey uniforms.

Midway n. 1. Airport about an hour west on the #55. Small, close, and houses Southwest. What’s not to love? 2. The grassy plaisance that once hosted the World’s Fair and now hosts hoards of midnight soccer players.

NeoCons n. Originated at UChicago. Now possibly control the universe.

Nightride n. An evening shuttle service. Good luck guessing its schedule.

Northwestern adj., n. 1. Compass direction. 2. A crosstown university that is rumored to have Division I athletics and practical education. Lame.

#171 n. 1. Bus. 2. Make-out mobile for irritating B-J and Broadview denizens.

O’Hare n. 1. The second busiest airport in the country, two hours north on the CTA. Only use in case of emergency.

O-mance n. 1. A fling between first-years during Orientation that usually lasts one week. 2. Ill-advised.

ORCSA n. Student activities advisers located in the bowels of the Reynolds Club. Alias: Office of the Reynolds Club and Student Activities.

Palevsky, Max n. 1. Billionaire philanthropist who helped found Intel. 2. Subject of Hunter S. Thompson’s ire. 3. Home of Doc Films. 4. Horrifically ugly orange breeding shed for first-years. Aliases: Max, Max P, Maxi Pad, Barbie’s Dream Dorm.

Pink Slip n. 1. Your ticket to the class of your dreams. 2. What you will hold in your hand as you plead, beg, and cry to get into a Core art class.

Point, the n. 1. Promontory Point Park. 2. Rallying point for neighborhood activists. 3. What that kid in your Hum class keeps missing. 4. Good make-out spot, if it’s not frigidly cold.

Prospies. n. 1. Prospective students that usually materialize in April and May. 2. Uncorrupted. 3. Looking to be corrupted.

Pub, the n. University-run bar in the basement of Ida Noyes Hall, located a full 20 steps from the front door of the Maroon office.

R.A. n. 1. Resident Head Assistant. 2. R.H.’s sublieutenant. 3. Paid to smile and get someone to come pump your stomach.

Reynolds Club n. The alleged “student union” of the University. There used to be two worthwhile establishments here, Taco Bell and Hallowed Grounds. Sadly, now only the latter remains…though just barely.

Rajun Cajun n. One-stop shop for soul food, Indian food, and Bollywood video rental.

Ratner n. Gym. The only place on campus capable of giving the illusion that you go to a state school.

RedEye n. Tabloid started by the Trib to appeal to a younger, hipper, dumber demographic.

Reg n. The library. Rumor has it there are books inside that may help when you have a 15-page research paper due tomorrow. There are people who have been wandering disoriented around the stacks for decades.

R.H. n. Resident Head. No, you moron, those 30-somethings in your dorm aren’t still in college.

RSO n. 1. Recognized student organization. 2. What will start out as résumé padding and then consume all your free time.

Salonica n. Diner on East 57th Street known for its breakfast offerings. Goes great with a hangover.

Scav Hunt n. The world’s largest scavenger hunt. Every spring, it will make you either love or regret your decision to come to UChicago. There is no middle ground.

Sexile v. To be exiled from your room by your roommate and his or her significant (or not-so-significant) other. Usually signaled by a sock or other such random object slyly placed on the doorknob. You, on the other hand, will never sexile anyone. See also: housecest.

SG n. Student Government. The elected representatives of the student body. SG is efficient, mature, free of infighting, and will affect your life in numerous positive ways.

Shake Day n. And the seventh day, which is deemed holy, God created Shake Day and rested…in C-Shop with a $1 shake. Only on Wednesdays and only if you enjoy waiting in a line that makes Depression-era bread lines look good.

SHS n. 1. Student Health Service. 2. No, you can’t get medical marijuana there. 3. Dispenser of free condoms. 4. Next appointment available is in three weeks.

Sosc n. Social sciences Core sequence. Pretentiousness levels are second only to Hum.

Student Life Fee n. Money paid to cover student activities, health, and lab fees. May or may not be used for corrupt purposes. You’d think $60,000 per year would pretty much cover it.

Study Break n. The archetypal UChicago social experience: It’s the 15 minutes in your day when you’re actually around other people, and that’s only because there’s free food.

Subway n. 1. Sandwich chain with 10,000 locations in Hyde Park. 2. Not to be confused with the El.

Sun-Times n. 1. Chicago newspaper. 2. May or may not actually contain news.

T.A. n. A graduate student who must balance helping undergraduates and perfecting a sickening obsequiousness to the professor.

That Kid n. Universally loathed person. Generally finishes all the reading and spends an hour and 20 minutes twice a week proving that to the rest of the class.

Trib n. 1. The Chicago Tribune. 2. A real newspaper. 3. Allegedly responsible for RedEye.

UCID n. The most valuable item in your wallet.

UIC n. 1. The University of Illinois at Chicago, with sports teams known as “the Flames.” 2. Where half of your relatives think you go to school.

UChi Goggles n. Sort of like beer goggles. Direct relationship between amount of time spent at UChicago and the number of people you find attractive.

USITE n. Campus computer labs. Your choice of three flavors: cool ranch (Crerar), code red (Harper), and McShamrock (Regenstein).

UT n. University Theater. Artistic outlet for hipsters.

Weekly n. 1. Tinder. 2. Formerly Chicago, now South Side.

WHPK n. University/community radio station. Motto: “The pride of the South Side.” It is possible to go four years without realizing WHPK exists. This is a crying shame.

Z&H n. 1. Store on East 57th Street. Great sandwiches, sometimes served on pretzel bread. 2. Store on East 47th Street. Great coffee, possibly the best outside of the Loop.

Zimmer n. 1. Our president. He’s a mathematician. 2. Not popular with many activists on campus.

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