So, I’m ready to get out of here. I wrote in September about how I wasn’t ready to come back, and now I’m ready to leave. College students across America are getting out of school soon, and here we are, stuck in the Reg for another eight weeks. That’s not chill. But spring quarter is pretty cool. Here are some ways to enjoy it until summer starts in earnest (I want to acknowledge that some of these recommendations entail messing with people who may be highly stressed. I obviously don’t want to add to that for anyone, so please, everybody, only mess with people if you know they’ll enjoy it on some level. Now let’s get out of this parenthetical and back to business):
1. Ask fourth-years about their B.A.’s
This fun game involves tormenting those who are so close, yet so far from being out of here. It’s likely they’ve read an unfathomable number of books and papers, and are beyond caring about the quality of the thing, so long as they graduate. It’s a very easy question to ask casually, feigning ignorance as to its potency, and watch your subject squirm. Also make sure you ask them how much their 40-plus-page work counts toward their GPA. (Hint: It counts the same as Global Warming.)
2. Ask first-years if they think the Life of the Mind is what they thought it was when they got here
This is a simple way to gauge a frosh’s “jaded index.” Are they still the bright, chipper, “quirky” souls they were when they got here? Or are they worn out, bummed out, and checked out? If you want to assuage your pain over your own crushed dreams and unmet expectations by confirming that it isn’t just you, but everyone else too, this is a great way to do so. But, hopefully, these dispirited souls will soon cast aside their expectations in order to reengage in and be improved by the debates—both trivial and serious—that occur around our campus every day. So tell them to keep their chin up.
3. Bombard UChicago Crushes with fake crushes
So, we’re all pretty much aware that the most absurd UChicago Crushes come from one friend and are jokingly directed toward another. Unfortunately, those salacious and vivacious manifestos of unfulfilled lust and unrealized love are jokes. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t fantastic reading, and nice ego boosts for their recipients. So let’s keep that up, team. I wanna see at least 17 poems full of dirty innuendo, and almost as many anonymous invitations to do it in the Reg.
4. Get Dean Boyer to shave his moustache for charity
We set a total $$$ goal, and when the donations reach that number, Dean Boyer shaves his moustache. Then, once it’s shaved, the fundraising resets, and the donations and the moustache grow in harmony. You know, I was actually kidding when I started writing this, but now I actually think it’s a good idea. Also, I’m aware that someone else has almost definitely already thought of this, given campus’s extreme Boyermania, so I apologize for presenting it as an original idea. I know I’m a fraud.
5. Prepare for Summer Breeze
I’m sure the wrestling team is already stockpiling kegs on kegs for Bonanza, although I’d recommend more cups this year, to avoid the messy situation of people tryna drink beer out of their hands. Or just everybody BYOCup. Also, I encourage DU bros to not try to throw folding tables over the garden wall like last year, or at least if they’re gonna try, to succeed this time. Anyway, start looking for your perfect BYOCup, take bets on who the artists are gonna be, and prepare to feel like you go to a state school for one day.
Liam Leddy is a second-year in the College majoring in economics.